Many people desire to fall in love, marry and be happy forever. Many can have good feelings for a short time. But to be happy in life & love forever, we need to follow wise principles. People who study happy marriages have found that some of these are: couples need to build trust/security by being loving/loyal through good times and bad (which all relationships have), have good chemistry and commit time to deep/fun conversations, care about and help each other’s goals/feelings, play/have fun/laugh and make great memories together, make romance/affection/sex (in marriage) a priority, follow love & truth to resolve conflicts, love through difficulties, admit faults & forgive each other (because all humans make mistakes at times), etc.
A summary of some of the best habits of love are at this site (God spoke about these in the Bible repeatedly as important for the best love/marriage)
Dr. John Gottman who has studied 1000s of marriages summarizes the best habits for happy marriage briefly.
Pastor Gungor has helped 1000s of marriages recover to great happiness. He says that happy marriages aren’t an accident. They come from following wise principles.
Here are some things that many people have found are most important for the best relationships long term. I hope they help you in your search for real, genuine, long lasting love!
PRINCIPLES OF LONG LASTING LOVE
Falling in love, having strong emotions is fairly easy, but that kind of love only lasts for a few months or a couple years. Following wise principles of love from God and happy marriages that make love strong for all our lives is most important. We don’t have to match in everything. I don’t want a copy of me and God made men and women different and even our brains work some differently. Life works best when we use the best skills from both men and women to meet life’s challenges.
1) GOD’S LOVE IS CRUCIAL: Some of the top goals in life are to learn and follow God’s principles of love, truth and action because the experience of billions of people, history and science all show that help us experience and do the best good for people we love, marriages, families, communities and nations. They also will give us the most wonderful adventure of all, living forever with our Creator!
Much research shows that when lovers love and follow God first, their marriages are much happier, stronger, more united, they have much fewer conflicts and don’t divorce (see more on that in #2).
Jesus said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32 Figuring out truth is the most crucial principle in life to understand, esp. in love and relationships since it will help reduce or end any conflicts quickly! Yale professor Jason Stanley says. “Truth is required to act freely. Freedom requires knowledge, and in order to act freely in the world, you need to know what the world is and know what you’re doing. You only know what you’re doing if you have access to the truth. So freedom requires truth, and so to smash freedom you must smash truth.”
These are a couple great Bible verses on important truths that relate to relationships.
“Godliness brings lasting benefit in everything; It brings you blessings in this life and in the future life too.” 1 Timothy 4:8 (CJB/ERV/ISV)
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength…Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:30-31
“Always try to do what is good for each other and for all people.” 1 Thess. 5:15 (ERV)
“The godly care about the rights of the poor; the wicked don’t care at all.” Proverbs 29:7
The issue of living with love and altruism vs. selfishness/greed is crucially important because researchers like Harvard biologist E. O. Wilson have found that while selfish people may succeed for a short time in a few areas, people who follow love and altruism will always win in the end.
“A group of altruists will beat a society of selfish individuals every time.”
“#3: E.O. Wilson’s Theory of Altruism Shakes Up Understanding of Evolution”. Pamela Weintraub. discovermagazine.com/2011/jan-feb/03. Thursday, April 28, 2011.
This means that selfish people may do well in certain like managing a business, but they lose in many important areas like deep relationships. It is no accident that most of the wealthiest people are also happily married too. Research found that married people had 93% higher wealth per person than singles. https://www.forbes.com/sites/financialfinesse/2013/02/07/5-ways-love-and-marriage-can-make-you-wealthier/
The best philosophers say there are 3 effective ways to find truth (pragmatic truth, correspondence truth and coherence truth) and use these objective criteria to identify truth/love/wisdom and avoid what is false and harmful. There are some aspects of finding truth that take time…but much truth boils down to a simple sentence in the Bible:
“Always do good to each person and all people.” 1 Thess. 5:15
This video illustrates why this is so important.
Love for God and his truths and truths of science that are foundations of the best marriage, happiness and success in life (as many couples and massive research has shown). So it helps if couples can enjoy reading, watching true documentaries/movies, and learning and practice useful ideas of various kinds as well as advance justice/peace for all. This is a crucial part of godliness and healthy marriages.
2) TRUE LOVE IS ABOUT GIVING AND MAKING EACH OTHER STRONGER:
Marriage and family should be a top priority for people who want to enjoy romance*** and spend much time with the woman I love making her happy, helping each other with our dreams, making the house a home, maybe raising kids, as well as helping people and building/joining a healthy community/church, etc.
I believe very strongly that frequent giving, esp. in the area of a spouse’s needs, is one of the most important essences and privileges of marriage. If people can’t give unselfishly often, they shouldn’t marry. I have a lot to give and am looking for a woman to give my life to as fully as I can. I’m Christian, not Jewish, but this idea from Judaism is very true and thousands of relationships as well as science confirm it:
“In Hebrew the word for love is “ahava.” The root word of ahava is hav, which means to give. In other words, loving is synonymous with giving. Love is the constant choice to give to another. You don’t fall in love; you create love. You act lovingly, by giving to your partner. As a function of giving, we create love. The more of yourself you invest in anything or anybody, the more attached you feel to that other thing or other person.
Why do some marriages work and some don’t? Psychologists John and Julie Gottman found that couples are either: “disasters” or “masters”. There were just two elements that separated the disasters from the masters. Any guesses? The two deal-breakers are
a) kindness and b) generosity.
What were kindness and generosity? The big issue was how often husbands and wives said “yes” to their spouse’s requests, especially their interests and needs. If couples said yes 87% of the time or more, they had much more successful marriages. If they said no a lot, it caused major stress, anxiety, distrust and led to divorce much more often.
see also: www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11
This shows the wisdom of a Bible principle that both husbands and wives should submit to each other.
“And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her…husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.” Ephesians 5:22-25, 28
What does submit mean? Just that we say yes to the other person and do everything we can to make their life better, especially where they have important needs and desires.
This is fairly basic psychology, the golden rule. If someone says yes to you a lot, then you’ll say yes to them a lot. If they say no a lot, you’ll probably say no a lot more. A rich man, Charles Schwab, said that people do much better work after a thank you and approval than because of criticism. Judge Jones said that whatever is rewarded is also repeated.
An old man was asked the secret of his 50+ year long marriage. He said,
“I have a watch. I look at it every day. It says, ‘Say something nice to Sarah (his wife) every day.’ That’s my secret!”
You can be honest and open with your partner, but if strangers, customers, friends see a nicer person outside the home than you are inside the home, something is wrong. Your spouse deserves the best parts of you more than anyone else.
The 5 Love Languages® has been improving relationships for nearly 30 years. It helps people find what makes them feel loved. This makes marriages far stronger and has helped 1000s of marriages become much happier.
These principles help people experience 4D love!
True love of course has to be 2 way and care deeply about the most important needs of both lovers. If only one side gives and the other only takes, it is actually a kind of slavery that hurts and cripples the success that both could have.
I try really hard to make all my choices based on principles of love and truth so my spouse, family, and everyone around me can enjoy life the most! But I am human and make mistakes at times and I know you will too. But I apologize and confess when I miss following these principles and try to do better the next time and I hope you do the same!
I was married to someone who refused to follow God’s principles in these verses and many of her choices were very destructive, abusive, hurt me, our daughter terribly and caused a lot of losses for several other people too. She cared more about being super rich than her marriage or our daughter and ignored time with us for years. That hurt both of us a lot and proved the Bible true again when it said “Greed brings grief to the whole family.” Proverbs 15:27″ So I won’t make that mistake again (I can tell you the story if you want). I don’t blame her much because her father was alcoholic and abused her as a child. I forgive her because Jesus forgives me. But it still hurt a lot. One sage said that if you have a bad marriage, the pain will teach you the importance of real love and truth. That’s why wise principles of love and truth is so important to me.
What is most important to you in making wise choices about love and why?
3) SCIENCE: God created the universe, our world, our lives and gave us brains (the most sophisticated object in the universe after God) and science to study and understand it all. I love science that God created and it is important that the woman I love thinks listens carefully to science. Scientists aren’t always perfect. But when you have a lot of scientific evidence pointing in one direction, it’s very important and wise to follow it. If we don’t, we get hurt or suffer terribly.
Al Gore shares in this story about how his father and sister ignored science about smoking and dying a painful death in her 40s. Many (like my ex-wife) ignore what science says about marriages, love, greed, pride, etc. and cause much pain and destroy relationships. So I hope that you respect good science and will try to follow it, esp. in the area of relationships.
4) FRIENDSHIP: Beauty is great (and you are beautiful), and I love affection, romance and intimacy. But character and friendship matter even more. I want a great/best friend who is able to have deep, meaningful and respectful conversations and talk seriously deeply about important things in our lives, in our community and world without pride and is willing to learn as I am. This helps long term happiness a lot!
5) PROBLEM SOLVING:
“Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise. ” Proverbs 13:10
There are conflicts in every relationship and friendship once in a while. They all come from following self and pride instead of figuring out what are God’s ways, the way of love, truth, justice/equality, etc.
I am an optimist and also a realist. When life throws challenges at me, I read and listen a great deal to the best ideas from God, science, my family and esp. the woman I love, friends, and then change and work hard to conquer whatever challenges we face.
Truth is important for sure, so is justice. But love and emotional connection matter too. Woman have different brains than men, Harvard shows that some emotions can be very valuable indications of truth. So together men and women can make far better decisions than alone.
All relationships have difficulties and trouble. But those that follow wise principles unite on love, truth and equality, overcome them and get stronger.
If your view does more good for both of us and people around us, if it has more love and truth in it than mine, then I will be happy give up and follow it. I hope you will do the same for good ideas of mine. Then BOTH of us can win and resolve any conflicts far more easily.
I don’t agree with many things Ayn Rand said, but this one she is very right on.
6) JOY/SMILES/HUMOR/OPTIMISM: Life has ups and downs, but our attitude in dealing with it makes all the difference. If we can stay joyful, smile, be optimistic and at times even make jokes about the difficulties, it helps make the stresses in life smaller, we may even forget them and most importantly joy/smiles/optimism/humor helps us overcome them faster.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” Proverbs 17:22
People say I am sometimes funny and I love to share funny things. I hope you can see the funny side of life too sometimes!
54 Ways to be happier are here:
A very good Happiness infographic about relationships is here:
Dr. Stephen Achor worked at Harvard and talks about why happiness is important. In his studies found this:
“we found is that only 25% of job successes are predicted by IQ, 75 percent of job successes are predicted by your optimism levels, your social support and your ability to see stress as a challenge instead of as a threat…If you can raise somebody’s level of positivity in the present, then their brain experiences what we now call a happiness advantage, which is your brain at positive performs significantly better than at negative, neutral or stressed. Your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, your energy levels rise…Your brain at positive is 31% more productive than your brain at negative, neutral or stressed. You’re 37% better at sales. Doctors are 19 percent faster, more accurate at coming up with the correct diagnosis when positive instead of negative, neutral or stressed…”
Then he talks writing down things you’re grateful for, journaling about positive experiences, exercise, meditation, random acts of kindness. All or part of these habits are mentioned in the Bible.
Dr. Achor is also quite funny 🙂!
7) HEALTH (physical, relational, spiritual, etc.) Health of several kinds is crucial for life to thrive. Without health, we can’t do hardly anything. It is one of the most extremely important treasures for a great life. Health helps us make good decisions, be happy/enthusiastic, can double our money in life, help us overcome challenges and so much more. There are several kinds of health, physical health, relationship health, spiritual health, etc. But all are very important. The Bible talks about all kinds of health in verses like these:
• “…If you obey all his decrees and commands, you will enjoy a long life. Listen closely, Israel, and be careful to obey. Then all will go well with you….Do what is right and good in the Lord’s sight, so all will go well with you….the Lord our God commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear him so he can continue to bless us and preserve our lives, as he has done to this day.” Deut. 6:2-3,18,24 •
• “Keep the commandments and keep your life; despising them leads to death.” Proverbs 19:16
• “Honoring the LORD lengthens one’s life, but the years of the wicked are cut short.” Proverbs 10:27
• “Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24
• “I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit.” John 1:2
I follow good health habits in physical, emotional and spiritual areas and I hope you will too. Here are a couple graphics on physical health (8 principles that I follow and hope you will follow too) and spiritual health (being part of a health church that serves and bonds people is crucial for good spiritual life and life in all areas).
“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32
To err and make mistakes is human. I’m going to make mistakes and need your forgiveness and you will too. Good marriages need 2 good forgivers as a wise woman said.
9) HOBBIES: As far as hobbies, we don’t have to like all the same things, differences can be interesting. But it would be nice if we liked some similar things and I do want to do many things together to make memories. I like music and going to concerts (esp. Christian, 80s pop, Asian music, African music, jazz, etc.) and play guitar/sing well. I like hiking and camping in the beauties of nature. I like snow skiing and have a couple crazy hobbies such as I love to jump off waterfalls and cliffs into water! I like watching documentaries and talking about how to solve world problems, true movies are good too. I like traveling and learning about different cultures, esp. eating different foods and seeing their cultural dances. I am vegetarian, like eating in restaurants and can cook some unique and tasty food.
These are a couple videos of my jumping hobby:
I also like eating good food from many different cultures.
I also dialogue on truths of God and science with people from other worldviews.
What do you enjoy in your free time?
10) ESSENTIAL TRAITS FOR ME AND MY FUTURE WIFE
These are some things that are crucial for the best and highest love. I will do that for my wife in my marriage…and I hope she commits to doing it for me too. Then we can both be stronger to help each other in difficult times!
HOW I LOVE/GIVE TO THE WOMAN I LOVE
These are things I did when I was married and will do for my future girlfriend/wife.
–I will love you as my equal partner and treat your hopes and dreams like my own.
–I will pray for you and God’s blessings in your life.
–I will look for ways to make you happy often, if possible daily.
–I love to have deep meaningful conversation and I will listen to your needs and experiences carefully to know you more deeply.
–I will give you all the affection, kisses, intimacy/sex you need whenever you need it (if I don’t have a major deadline/emergency)
–I can cook some unique and delicious foods from several cultures and will be happy to cook them for you.
–I like finding unique gifts to give my wife.
–I’m very good at science and finding solutions for problems. So I can help my wife with her career and dreams in several ways.
–I’m very good at finding truth so we can live in the freeest and happiest way possible.
–I play guitar well, and a couple other musical instruments. So I can play music for us to sing together and make good memories and cheer us up when there are challenges.
–I’m some humorous (but not a professional comedian)..and so I can cheer you up and make you laugh!
–I’m patient and forgiving. If you love me, and want to be closer, I can forgive almost anything. All humans make mistakes..and I will need forgiveness too sometimes. That helps people bond better.
–I will introduce you to quite a few surprising and unique adventures that you never imagined :)!
Some of the things I’m looking for in a woman are:
ESSENTIAL TRAITS FOR MY WIFE:
–Do you love Jesus and people and treat everyone equally? This is the highest principle of God? Do you love learning new truths from God and science in order to be freer (John 8:32)? Loving God is extremely helpful for couples to be happier, successful, patient, forgiving, and avoid pain and relationship breakdowns.
–Do you want to date and hopefully marry fairly soon (within 1-2 years if possible)?
–Do you love people and want to give and help your husband, family and community when you can? (I don’t need any gold diggers, women obsessed with being rich. Putting money first just destroys love and relationships and loses a lot of money too. I experienced that myself with my ex-wife and it was very painful).
–Is being healthy important to you? I am quite healthy, don’t smoke, drink alcohol or do drugs and I want to marry someone similar. Being able to cook healthy vegetarian food would be great since I’m vegetarian.
–Are you kind, patient, forgiving of people and the man you love?
–Do you want to enjoy romance/sensuality as boyfriend and sexual intimacy in marriage often?
–I have a daughter who plans to be a neurosurgeon. I hope you can be friendly and loving to her when she visits.
–Do you enjoy being outdoors in nature, hiking, swimming, camping, playing sports, etc.?
–Do you believe all people have equal rights and are you are interested in justice?
–Do you like adventure and travel sometimes? Would you be OK with me traveling sometimes (I hope you could join me)?
and things like that.
–Are you OK with living in Asia, probably many years in China, for most of the rest of your life? That is where I will live for a long time (see this site for some reasons why: http://blog.truth-is-life.org/missions/china-vision/)
If you don’t have these, we could still date/marry…but the more the better:
–Like most men, I like women who are attractive. Looks are temporary, character is most important. So I do like beautiful and esp. cute women. But I’m not that hard to please in this area.
–Do you play a musical instrument? I play guitar and can play trumpet and a little piano. Music makes more great memories in life!
–Do you have skills in art/graphic design/video editing?
–Do you like food from various countries, etc.
–Are you are interested in having more children? If not, what about adopting 1-2 children?
What do you think? What traits are essential in a boyfriend/husband for you? What are ideal traits?
I am interested in a Chinese woman because I plan to live in China for much of my future…but if God wills, I’m open to someone else.
I’m looking for a woman who loves God, people, truth and adventure! If I could find a woman to love like that, we agree on our dreams in life and desire to give happiness to each other and people in need for the rest of our lives, I’d like to spend the rest of my life knowing her better and making her happy!
How about you? What are your goals in life? What does God mean to you? What kind of man do you want to love and marry? Let me know and see if God wants us to be together!
P.S. CONTACT INFO: These are ways to contact me. The 1st ones are best, but others are OK too.